Sometimes progress means moving backward.

Hey all, buckle up because so much happened on day five. It's an emotional day to look back on. But so many beautiful things started happening in my head on this day. Progress looks different for everyone, this day I realized I could cry again. As always these entries can be hard to read, but I have faith that someone out there is finding them helpful. Again I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading. Here's day five.

Day five:

I barely slept last night, and if I did it wasn't restful. The dread in my head is at the forefront, causing me to worry about going home. I'm terrified. It scares me that I meant end up back here. The plan is still so clear in my head... I want to get better but it seems impossible. The urge to take the knife to my wrists is so prominent. I feel a lot of anger today that I can't seem to shake, it feels like I'm going backwards. I know in my heart that I'm not ready to go home. They don't like to give me my Ativan, it's all about the fucking coping skills. But they aren't working and I'm just getting more and more angry. I feel like I'm not being heard. I feel like I'm in trouble every time I go ask the nurses anything. I just feel so fucking lost. Why can't I get better? It's been five days and I still feel the same. I did manage to have a good cry last night while my husband was visiting. It was a painful cry, a cry that I felt deep in my bones. A cry that helped me let go of some of the guilt I felt. It was a really intense release of emotions... it kind of felt fucking fantastic. So maybe I am getting better. Maybe I am feeling different than when I first got here. Maybe not that I can cry, everything else will start getting better. The rush of emotions that came out last night with that cry felt better than sex. It was inspiring, it felt raw. And for the first time since being here felt like I was making strides in the right direction. Then this morning I woke up with the dread creeping back in, that damn plan taunting me. Saying "look over here, it could be over if you just give in". Here's the thing though, I don't want to give in. I want to get better. I want to be healthy. I will be able to walk instead of run down this dark hallway. The dread will be replaced with the will to live.

I have a lot of worry about what life is going to look like when I get to go home. I want things to be different, I want to be different. I don't want to be on the sidelines anymore, I want to be an active participant in my life. I want to be in the present, focus on my family and all the things that matter. I want to stop pushing quality time away, I don't want to rely on my phone for comfort. I want to get that comfort from my kids, and from my husband. I am stronger than this dread in my head. I will beat this, and come out on the other side stronger than ever. I will be everything I know I can be and more. This is just another chapter in my story, this is not the ending.

I'm feeling better this afternoon, like maybe I can slow down and finally start walking. The idea of healing is scary because it means letting go. It means letting go of everything that's been clouding my thoughts for so long. But I think it's getting closer to its eviction date. At this moment I don't feel like I'm drowning, but I still can't get out of the water. I'm just floating here waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel better right now, but how long before the dark thoughts take over my mind again. It feels like I'm having a taste of freedom, and i'm waiting for it to fall between my fingers. I find myself thinking a lot about my childhood today. The constant fight or flight I lived in for years. The fear of not knowing if my parents were in good moods, or ready to hurt us. The feeling of never being able to do anything right. The constant feeling of being in trouble, not knowing what kind of punishment was coming our way. I walked on eggshells for years. Every good thing would come at a price. Siblings would be pinned against each other, everything was a constant comparison. There was no joy in our home growing up, the times there were it was all fake. Just a mask to make everyone on the outside think we were a big happy family. I have no clue to this day if neighbors, teachers, or friends or their parents knew what was going on behind closed doors. If they did that makes them complicit. But I guess how would you even help in that situation, I mean without blowing up our lives. We were abused. All four of us were abused. What happened to us is not our fault. I will not be a by-product of the people that raised us. I refuse to be another statistic. I will rise above the things that were done to us. I will break every cycle put in front of me. I don't want to fucking die, I want to fucking live. I want to live for myself first, so I can enjoy the life my husband and I built for ourselves. I can trust him to be my safe place in the good times, and the scary ones. He will be there to help me put the pieces back together. Our children will know how much their parents love each other. When people ask them if they know what love looks like we are going to take pride in the fact that they can look at us and say yes. That they know that is what true, healthy love looks like. They will know how beautiful love is, that even in the hard times our love will shine through. Our children are so lucky that they get to grow up with a mom and dad that will love each other to the ends of the earth. How lucky am I to get to go home to someone who loves me as strongly as my husband does. Baby I love you so much. You are such a bright light. My safe space. Thank you for loving me even when I know it's hard. You are worth fighting for.

I find myself feeling down in the dumps this afternoon. I thought I was going to have visitors, but it looks like no one is coming. I feel sad. It reminds me of when I was a child and no one would show up for me. And I know plans change and people get busy. I know being in here makes it hard to communicate with the outside world. But right now I just feel really fucking sad and forgotten about. And I know my friends haven't forgotten about me. I know they love me, that they care about me. I know that they are proud of me. But at this moment I just feel so lonely, like I'm doing this all on my own. As I sit in my room writing this I'm thankful for the sun keeping me company. The warmth feels euphoric on my sad lonely skin. At least today I can be thankful for the sun, without it I fear I would be on a ball on the floor. So the sun is a welcomed distraction from my lonely thoughts. At least I know my husband is coming to visit, but I know that's out of obligation. He has so much on his plate, and I'm just so damn proud of him for handing everything on the front lines. He's handled everything with such grace, compassion, and understanding. I wish I didn't feel so lonely today. Maybe I'll feel better in a few hours.

The lady who is currently using the phone is pissing me off. She is talking so loud that it's hard to concentrate on anything. There's also another patient who is also pissing me off, and making me feel so uncomfortable in the rec room. He just stares at me, asking rude questions... and don't get me started on the shitty music he keeps playing. I feel forced into my room this afternoon. I think I'm feeling really triggered right now. These two people are reminding me of parts of my childhood and I just can't handle that right now. I feel like my body is starting to panic, I hate this feeling. I don't like when I'm put in circumstances where I'm left feeling like this. I feel sad, lonely, and like I've been let down by my loved ones. I was really looking forward to my friends visiting today. Now I remember why I don't like getting my hopes up. I don't blame them. Life gets busy, and they really have no way of telling me they weren't coming. I just feel very isolated from everything happening in everyone else's lives. I want to shake this feeling, but right now I can't. Maybe I'll go have a good cry about it, that's if my body will let me. Until next time...

Voicemail times two, this feeling sucks. I feel like I'm not important in their lives, even though my rational brain knows that's the dread talking. The sun shining in my window sure is a sight for these sad swollen eyes. The warmth of the rays gives me hope that soon I'll be well enough to leave this place. Maybe someday soon I won't be as broken. Maybe the clouds, trees, light and darkness of the outside world will put me back together... make me feel whole again. I can't but stare at the house that took so much from me, years I'll never get back. Moments that will forever belong to 42 Lawrence street. Today it's starting to feel like the house won, and I'm back to being that scared eighteen year old girl who's scared of everything. That will forever feel like she's in trouble. That when I walk into a room no one wants me there. That in the end, everything would be better if I wasn't here.

I think it's almost 4pm, time seems to be moving at a snails pace today. I can feel myself spiraling. I can feel the dread taking over. The plan is looking better and better since I woke up this morning. I don't want it to look better, I want it to go away. The plan didn't used to scare me, but now it does more than ever. I really do want to keep living, but it feels hard right now. The clouds are moving in fast this early evening, maybe it's a storm. Maybe the weather is changing to match my mood. A huge rainstorm would fit this melancholy mood perfectly. Maybe then I would be able to cry like I want to. All I want to do is cry because I don't feel like I am enough. And I know that's not true, but the dread is is making it feel like my reality. I just want to go home, but I know I need to stay here... to keep working on myself. I deserve to feel happy. I am more than my mental health. I will break the glass house. I will learn to walk down the hallway. I will not let the house across the street win. I am more than the people who raised me. The dread will not win, I won't let it.

To everyone who made it this far thank you. I know this was a longer blog. I worked thought a lot of things this day. Also a spoiler for tomorrow, the people who I thought weren't visiting this day all came that day. Anyways thanks for sticking around, day six will be up tomorrow. Thank you all again.

*If you or someone you know is struggling please talk to someone. Crisis lines and your local ER are there to help. You matter, and you deserve to be here.