Out of my control

Hello everyone and welcome to day four. Today i'm going to let this entry speak for itself. I've always had control issues and day four in hospital I started to figure out why. Thank you to those who keep reading these, I find it so healing to share this part of my life. You all matter so much to me.

Here goes nothing...

Day Four:

I slept okay last night, I woke up around 4am but was able to fall back to sleep. I woke up with a lot of anxiety around the things I can't control. Being the default parent means I always have a running list in my head. It's driving me crazy that I can't control what's happening in my own home. For those who know me, know that I like to keep my house a certain way. My bed is always made, the kitchen needs to look a certain way, everything down to how I have my kids toys organized. And now that I'm here I feel like crawling out of my skin because I don't know the state of my own home. It honestly feels like the world is ending. I know my husband and the people taking care of my kids are very capable, and I know my house is clean. I know the laundry is getting done, and the dishes are being cleaned . I know everyone is fed and clean. I know these things are true. But the dark thoughts don't give a shit about whats rational. They are making me feel out of control, and are making me spiral. Today I can't make the thoughts turn off. I feel like i'm drowning in a room full of people and i'm screaming at the top of my lungs. But no one can hear me. It's like i'm in a box screaming for help, but everyone is just walking by staring. No one stopping to help. All while i'm pounding on the box screaming out for help. They don't see that i'm drowning because to them all they see is the mask I put in place. They only see what I want the world to see, and that's the mask. The bright happy girl with the perfect life. And in a way I do have a perfect life. I have a husband who is stupidly in love with me, a roof over my head, finances in check, and to top it off three beautiful children who fill our home with so much love. What a gift they are. They lead a life full of light and love. They lead with compassion, and are everything that's good in this world. I don't know what I've done to deserve all these wonderful things in my life. Then I think back to my childhood... that I fought tooth and nail to crawl myself out of what was done to me. To not become a by-product of how I was raised. But how well did that really work out? Now at the ripe age of thirty I've landed myself in a mental health ward... because I don't want to be here anymore.

The dread feels different today. It's not so much wanting to slit my wrists, it's more the dread of not feeling in control... feeling like a failure. But I need to accept that being here doesn't mean I failed, it means I choose to live. I need to hang on to that feeling.

I met with the doctor right before lunch, and we had a good talk. We talked a lot about guilt, and how it can fester to shame. He told me we can have bad days, and thoughts... but feeling guilty over what our brain is doing isn't going to help anything. I don't know how much I agree with that right now. Guilt is the emotion i'm swimming in right now. I can't shake it no matter how hard I try... that i'm a failure because I can't do it on my own. I feel shame that I ended up here, but I guess shame is better than me being dead. I came here because I want to live. I don't want the shame and dark thoughts to win. I will find a way into the glass house, I will find a way to stop running down the hallway. I'll find a way to stop and consume the world around me in a healthy way. I'll make it to the point that I'll slow down and see the light at the end of the hallway. I'll be able to open those doors and enjoy every minute of what's happening on the other side. I'll finally be able to live in the moment without trying to rush to the next thing. The guilt, shame, and embarrassment will be long gone. All of these things are going to be possible because I came here and chose to live. I didn't let the dread take my life. My mental health will not win. I will get better. I'll get better for myself, I will get healthy. I'll put myself first so I can be there for everyone else in my life.

I'm feeling lost this afternoon, like I have no clue what I'm doing. What if all these treatments don't work and I never get to go back home. My mind is clearer than it has been in a few days, but yet the dread stays. The dread that when I leave here, that I'll be right back to square one. The sunlight today gives me a glimmer of hope for what's to come. I feel like I can see the future I want to clearly... but it's at the end of this fucking dark hallway. I'm trying to run towards it, but I have to learn to walk. The faster I run the further away it gets. Maybe I feel lost because I know I need to learn how to walk down the hallway. I wish I could put into better words how fucking impossible it feels to learn how to walk. Do I feel this way because I was taught to run like this from a young age? While growing up if we didn't do it fast we would get in trouble. Maybe this is why I always want praise for getting things done, no matter how large or small. To know i'm doing it right, because all I've ever known is getting in trouble for doing it wrong. I need constant approval now in my adult life, as well as control over the situation. This is not my fault, this is on who and how I was raised. I will not raise my children like this. They will never seek the approval of those who don't matter in their lives. We will show them a loving stable home. Where when they do things wrong we will love them the same as when they do something right. I never want my children to fear doing something wrong. I will break this cycle for them because they deserve all the love in the world. Maybe I should be kinder to myself. This process here means, everyday I'm here is one more i'm alive and well. I still can't cry, and I would give anything to be able to cry. Crying is such a beautiful deep emotion, and I hate that I can't express it anymore. What I wouldn't give for a good cry. I feel like a good cry would release so much I've been bottling up... My god I just don't want to feel like i'm failing anymore. I'm just so fucking sad, and everything feels impossible in this moment. But this is just today, tomorrow is a new day with new feelings. So today i'm choosing to live so I can have hope for tomorrow.

That's the end of day four folks I hope you enjoyed this entry. I feel like this day I had a lot of clarity. Join me back here tomorrow for day five. Thank you all again for the support. Sharing these are so healing.

*If you or someone you know is struggling please reach out to your local crisis lines. They are there to help. Your local hospital is always there if you feel like you can't go on. Please remember that you matter, and you deserve to be here