November Rain

Hey everyone and welcome to day eight. Sorry it's a little late, life happened and I had to press the pause button on these blogs. I've been working towards something every exited but I'll share that in another blog post. Without further ado, here's day eight.

Day Eight:

I slept like the dead last night, but I didn't wake up feeling like sunshine. I feel uneasy, that delicate space between happy and sad. I feel very fragile today like one thing might make me break. Maybe it's this rainy weather. I'm just having trouble focusing. The piter patter of the rain, and the grey of November is bringing me back to the feeling of hopelessness. But at the same time I feel happy with how far I've come over the last eight days. I'm feeling so much it's hard to concentrate on just one thing. I feel out of place, like when you're so tired that you end up putting the cereal in the fridge. I'm feeling the weight of my mental exhaustion, but also my husbands. And I know I can't control whats happening outside these walls, but the worry is at the forefront of my mind. I'm thankful today that we have all day group. It's a welcomed distraction to give routine to my racing thoughts. I'll seek comfort today in that God would not give me more than I can handle. Even if in this moment the stress feels crushing and overwhelming. Time for some more mindless reading I suppose. Check in later friends.

One more thing before I go, the rain felt bad yesterday. But today is a creature comfort that reminds me of trying to find myself on the days I didn't want to unpack the dread in my head. What a beautiful feeling, I wish I could take a picture and remember this moment.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I made a phone call I was scared to make, and it was the most beautiful call. We cried and prayed together, it brought both of us closer to God. It was euphoric. After the call the sunlight started peaking through and it made me realize everything is going to be okay. That the journey here has been worth every moment. I'm seeing progress in the people around me, and it brings me such joy. This place is healing. He is healing. I've always been observant but I am realizing just how much I am being in hospital. I'm noticing everything and I'm learning so much about the ward around me. I can feel myself growing, healing, living. I'm walking for the first time in forever, the light is so bright that I need sunglasses. I feel so proud of myself. A week ago I wanted to end it all, and now it's the furthest thing from my mind. I'm still nervous for release, but I know it's coming. To re-interrogate myself into a functional society seems impossible right now, but I know it has to happen. I can't stay here forever. It's funny how quickly this ward feels like normal everyday life. You get so comfortable, I'll be hard to leave. I like to say my husband saved my life, but this place made me realize that I saved my own life. Hospital made me realize just how wonderful of a person I am. I am kind, compassionate, caring, and I care for others with my whole chest. I am more than my mental health, more than a wife, more than a mother. I'm Rachel and she's pretty incredible.

Clarity is the word on my mind this afternoon. The sun is gone but the lights remain on. What does that mean? I think I need to stop questioning my light, and embrace the warmth. It feels foreign almost. Currently in the rec room and a lady is triggering me, she's fighting everything and it's making me uncomfortable. But I can only control how I react, I have no control over the actions of others. And I need to stop feeling guilt over the emotions of others. I am not responsible for the actions of other people. I don't have much to say this afternoon, but clarity is slowly happening in my mind.

It's just after 5pm and I'm starting to look at discharge as a good thing. Life outside of the hospital is feeling hopeful and not daunting. I'm putting plans in place and it's making me feel really good. My life has new purpose. I think there is so much good I can do in the world, and hearing that other people think so makes my heart feel so full. I haven't written much today because I've been trying to live in the moment, to live outside these pages. We have a few new faces on the ward tonight and it makes me a little uneasy. But I'm following my plan and not my mood. They are here for their own journey, and mine needs to come first for me. I wish them all well, but I think it's finally time for me to go home. I miss my life, and thanks to this place I get to live more of it. Thanks for listening, until tomorrow.

Thanks for joining me for day eight, one more day left on the ward and then I have some blogs I wrote about my time coming out of the hospital. Thanks for sticking around. It means the world.

*If you or someone you know is in crisis please reach out to local help lines and your local ER department. You matter, and deserve to be here