Recovery is a catch 22

Welcome to day seven, I did a lot of reflection on this day. We're so close to the end of my stay, so thank you for being here. I'll forever be thankful for the amount of support this blog has gotten. My story is just one of many out there, I'm happy I'm here to share it.

Day seven:

One whole week on the unit. Time has flown by, but at the same time feels at a standstill. I miss home, but I know I'm in the right place. My mood seems brighter today, almost like sunshine on a cloudy day. Just peaking through waiting for the rain to end. That's how I feel today, like the sun waiting to shine through. Maybe this means the storm in my mind is passing. Like this uphill battle has an end date. Maybe this is how I pass go and collect $200. Victory is afoot, no matter how small it feels. The thing with how I'm feeling is the switch can flip in an instant, and the dread, the intrusive thoughts will slowly creep back in. Today I will fight so the light stays on, I will put my trust in the process. Fully give in to my feelings, whatever they may be. I know once I fully get up this hill, another one will come eventually. But that's life, we have to learn to take the good with the bad. A bump in the road doesn't have to define the rest of your life. Today I don't feel as broken, like maybe I'm starting to be put back together. I'm just scared that once I'm back together, I'll fall apart just as fast. Today I'm going to lean into the good moods, and celebrate them, because they are possible. If the lights go out again I'll lean into it because every emotion is worth feeling. I'll be honest and kind to myself today. I'll stay true to who I am... that I can be both happy and sad. That both can exist at the same time. The plan doesn't exist in this moment, and for that I feel proud.

I feel for all the other people here with me, they make it hard not to care. I want the best for all of them, no matter what that looks like. Today I will walk instead of run, I will slow down and take time in my recovery. I really want to enjoy this good mood I'm in, but I know it's fleeting. Why am I like this? Why do I think every good mood comes with the price of something bad happening? This whole recovery thing is a catch 22. I'm so tired of this. I'm starting to feel restless, time for a walk to refresh my perspective. My face is starting to itch and I know that means my stress level is going up. Maybe some mindless reading will help. Wish me luck folks.

On another note I'd like to point out that I find the support staff here very inspiring, the nurses too. I love the time and care they put into the work they do. I feel very safe here today.

I had another meeting with the doctor today. It went really well again. We are going to look into trauma therapy. It makes me feel both good and apprehensive. I truly don't know how much of my childhood I've repressed. I owe it to myself to find out, so I can truly understand myself. We are taking things day by day, and I feel good about that. I'm so thankful I'm able to take this time to really figure out all the things going on in my head. I'm realizing I love to help people, to feel with them, cry with them, talk with them. Maybe I will turn these pages into some kind of book. So maybe my story can help someone else. Maybe these pages can help someone else articulate how they are feeling to loved ones. Maybe these words will mean something to someone else. I think that would make me really happy. To help others, inspire them with my writing. I think I just found another meaning in my life. To help, to listen, to feel. But in order to do that I need to put myself first, so later I can be there for everyone else. Being in hospital has truly been an incredible, and horrifying time. I've come to face a lot of things I didn't know I needed to face. I'm winning this battle, and soon I'll be ready to face the war.

I'm having some anxiety over getting my phone back. I'm scared that there might be bad things waiting for me. I don't have the energy to unpack all that right now, so back to mindless reading I go. It's raining outside, so my sunshine spirit has gone away. It feels triggering for me today because nothing good happens when it rains. I feel a little restless, like I don't know what do to with myself. Things don't feel hard right now, but something feels off. I feel uneasy, like bad news is on the way. I can feel the anxiety kicking in... the light is dimmer than it was this morning. My skin once again is crawling. This is how I would feel every time I would get in trouble. The rain has me feeling hopeless. I miss the sunshine, I miss the warmth it brings. The rain reminds me of everything that could go wrong. Every bad thought or thing that's happened to me, is happening all at once. The light has gone out. My mind is racing, everything is just so loud. I just want to forget but I can't put my finger on what. I'm starting to wonder what being on the outside will feel like. It makes me nervous. I'm not ready to go back, it feels like a panic attack in the making . Right now it feels impossible. I hate that word, because I know I can do it. I want to do it, but I have to walk and not run. Running is all I can do right now though. I feel the walls closing in on me, it's hard to take a breath. But healing isn't linear, and it doesn't always make sense in the moment. I'm trying to be okay with that. That I always can't be in control. Not having control always brings me back to the scared girl I was growing up. Where I had no control over the things that were being done to me. I can't even remember everything, and while I'm scared to find out I know I need to in order to heal. Because of things done to me by other people I now have to work through a bunch of shit that should have never happened to me. I'm angry that I can't remember. Why can't I remember? I hate this. I can't shake this feeling in my head, it's suffocating. I'm getting tired of all these feelings, I feel it all and nothing at the same time. I could run and hide in my room, but that will get me nowhere. I have to face whatever this is head on. I feel like my birth family still has such a huge hold on me, on my life. That no matter how hard I fight to get away, they seem to claw their way back into my head. That one word from my mom or dad will undo all the progress I've made. The weather is really bringing me down today. The rec room is quiet this afternoon. New people are settling in, new names and faces I'll have to learn. Everyone here with different versions of the same story. We're all here to heal and fix something the world around us broke. So many people need help, for some that will never come. That makes me sad on this rainy afternoon. I just want this feeling to go away. I want my sunshine to come back. I keep getting a taste and then it dies before my eyes. I want that little glimmer of hope back. That feeling that everything is going to be okay. My rational brain knows this to be true. But the intrusive thoughts keep kicking it away. I'm just feeling so uneasy, like the rug is going to be ripped out from under me. I feel like I'm falling and I'll never get to the bottom. Maybe I'm just tired today, I think I'll go read and get my mind off everything. I know I'm getting better, I can feel it in my bones. This unease will fade, and as Annie once said "The sun will come out tomorrow". I bet her bottom dollar that it will.

Sorry day seven took longer to get out, life just kinda happened. I hope you all enjoy. Thank you again for all the support. I love you all.

*If you or someone you know is in crisis please reach out to local help lines or your local ER. you matter and you deserve to be here