Happy and sad can exist together

Welcome to day six of my journaling from my days in hospital. This day I saw a lot of breakthroughs. This day was one of the first happy days I had in the ward. That doesn't mean it was all sunshine and rainbows. Buckle up and get ready, here's day six...

Day six:

Last night sleep wouldn't come, it was very loud on the unit. The sleep that did come felt restful and full of hope. Last night couldn't have gone better. Visit after visit, the out pour of love and admiration people felt for me felt fucking fantastic. It gives me so much hope for my recovery. With such a strong support system behind me, I feel like I'll get through this. This morning I woke up and the plan is no longer taking up space in my head, not a thought of self harm in sight. I feel free for the first time in a really long time. I'm hoping I can hold on to this feeling, that it won't fade away. Dare I say I feel happy this morning. It's like all the sudden the lights have been turned back on in my head. I feel grateful to be alive. The love in my heart is stronger than the dread. For the first time I feel like I am back in control of my own feelings. As my husband put it last night he finally feels like he has his wife back, I can't help but agree. I feel excited at the thought of leaving the hospital, I'm feeling ready to start the next chapter in my story. I can't thank my support system enough, I would be nothing without them. I've never felt so loved and important in my life. They are giving me the strength to fight the voices in my head telling me that I'm not enough. I've never felt so much compassion in my life. I know when I leave here I'll have so many people in my corner cheering me on as I cross the finish line. I'm so happy I'm still here, that I choose to live. I'm worth saving. I am more than the people who raised me, I will not be another statistic. My mental health does not define me. I can do this, for me, my family, and for my village.

They moved me rooms this morning. I think I'm okay with it, three days ago I probably would have had a panic attack. But today it feels like a good change. A new room, and a new perspective. I just feel so good today, I really hope it's not mania... I hope these feelings are real. Today I can feel God again, it's a feeling I've missed. Welcome back Rachel, I've missed you.

I'm feeling apprehensive this afternoon about my meeting with the doctor. I woke up so full of hope this morning, but once again the dread is creeping in. Like a bad headache it won't go away. I feel like my mind is playing a horrible cruel joke on me. I can feel the lights starting to flicker, and I want to scream at them to stay on. I just got them back, the bill was paid in full. I'm trying to be kind to myself, to say it's okay. My mind is going a mile a minute that'll be sent away before I'm ready. I'm scared of the unknown right now. That the hospital is going to throw me away like yesterdays trash. I'm not ready and I can feel a panic attack starting. There are so many triggers happening around me. Everything is just so fucking loud. The plan was gone, it was fucking gone. But I can feel it knocking on my door. I'm so tired of this cycle. I just want to be fucking better. Why am I still on the outside of this damn glass house, still running full speed down this hallway? Why is the mask slipping back on? I'm just so tired of this. I feel like I took ten steps forward this morning only to be back to square one. Why can't I just be normal... I want my life back. I'm just so tired. I will fight to keep this light on. I will be kind to myself today. Take the day moment by moment, hour by hour, minute by minute. I'll check in later, maybe things will be better. I just got me back, I can't lose myself again. I'm not sure I'll survive it.

I like my new room, it's the only space I feel comfortable in at the moment. Everywhere else here feels crowded, like I don't belong. Which I don't get because we are all here for a reason. We all matter. Everyone's healing matters. Were all here because we chose to live. I think I needed this reminder today, I'm here because I want to live. Death isn't welcomed here, not anymore. I am more than a by-product of how I was raised. My mental health does not define me. I'm choosing to live. All I can do is wait for the doctor and be 100% transparent. I hate the waiting game, but here I am... waiting. It's out of my hands now.

I'm still waiting. I can feel my heart racing. I don't feel like participating in group this afternoon... I can't shake this feeling. Like something bad is going to happen. Like I'm going to get trouble. I hate feeling like I have no control over what's happening to me today. The feeling of having no say. Like what if I'm not heard or listened to when I talk to the doctor. I feel like crawling out of my skin. I am so uncomfortable. Everything is back to feeling impossible. The plan is trying to fight it's way back into my head. Everything is setting me off... I feel like kicking, and yelling, and screaming.

I talked with the doctor this afternoon and it went better than I could have imagined. She really listened to me. I'm here for a few more days while they adjust my medications. So these hand written journals will still be my saving grace. I can't wait to hug my husband, nothing in the world would make me happier. I just want to be in his arms. I'm so proud of myself for being so open and honest with the doctor. It makes all the difference once you stop lying to yourself, and start living your truth.

The thing no one tells you about being in hospital is the trauma bonds you form with the other people there. It's hard when they go home and you have to start all over again. I'll never forget the people I've met in my time here. They will forever be a part of my story, maybe one of the most important parts. Maybe one day we will all meet again under very different circumstances. A day when we are not prisoners in our own minds. When the meds are working, and we're the best versions of ourselves. They have been such a monumental part of my journey. To have people who understand every thought I have in my head, with no judgment... they just get it. It's hauntingly beautiful the connections you make while in hospital.

I feel like I'm in trouble. I told the nurse someone was triggering me, and I know I have the power to say something... but in the moment I felt like I couldn't. I didn't feel comfortable, so I told my nurse. She made me feel like I did the wrong thing, and now my skin feels like it's crawling again. I hate this feeling. I should talk to her and tell her how the situation made me feel. In her words I have to advocate for myself. She's right. Tomorrow will be better. Right now there is a lady fighting with one of the doctors and it's causing me to be on edge. I think tonight I'm just going to camp out in my room. It's a hard night, I'm having trouble focusing. I feel like I'm in trouble. I know that I'm not, but that's how it feels right now. Everything feels hard again, this time it feels like I'm not in my own body. I feel like I'm sixteen again, never doing anything right... like I'm worthless. I'm craving the comfort of someone, anyone who will listen... who will tell me everything in my head is a lie. That I'm worth it, that I didn't do anything wrong. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

Thank you all for making it to day six, I feel like the days sometimes repeat themselves but that's life living with mental health issues. Join me back tomorrow for day seven. I'm so happy you're here.

*If you or anyone you know is struggling please reach out for help. Crisis lines are their to help, and your local ER is there to also help. Please know you matter, and you deserve to be here