Grief matters too.

I'm going to start this next post with a warning, this journal entry contains talk about child loss. While it can be a really heavy topic, it's still part of my journey and something that was on my heart while writing. I want to try to keep this blog as authentic and real as possible. So if these topics are triggering for you I understand and I thank you for the support non the less. So without further ado, welcome to day three.

Day three:

I slept horrible last night, these all consuming thoughts keeping me awake. I feel so numb. Like nothing has meaning today. My body feels like it wants to shut down, everything feels hard today. I want to cry, but still I can't. Journalling is the only thing keeping me sane here. And sane is loosely putting it. I don't even know what sane feels like anymore. I feel like I've failed everyone in my life by being here. Like i'm in trouble and i'll never be good enough to go home. They all deserve better than me. I want to stop running down this fucking hallway. I want to be happy again, to find joy in the little things. I miss the way my kids smile when they are happy. I miss listening to them play and laugh. My god do I miss how they laugh, its the most beautiful sound in the world. It makes me so sad to think about everyone who's taking care of them that's not me. It should be me... instead i'm living in a mental hospital. These stupid dark thoughts are still in my head, I just don't know how to make them stop.

I think i'm falling in love with my husband again, I can't tell you the last time I felt so in love. I've taken the mask off, and he is still here holding my hand. Most people would run away at this point, but not my husband. He is a true gift from God. No matter what I've done in the last ten years, the good, the bad, the ugly he's stayed constant. Loving me even when it's been hard. I've taken him for granted so many times, treated him like the scum on my shoe, and yet here he is loving every part of me. I wouldn't have survived if I never met him. He has been holding me through so much. The birth of our children, and the death of our babies that never made it earth side. It was horrible losing two of our children, Elise and Charlie. I think about them all the time, I feel guilty that my body couldn't save them. I often wish it was my life that was taken instead of theirs. It was so painful when my body passed them, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. Charlie's passing was the most violent, passing him was the worst thing I've ever been through. I felt everything... I remember screaming at the top of my lungs to my mother-in-law on the phone. It's a memory that haunts me deeply. Soon after we were blessed with our youngest, but it doesn't make the hurt less. When we lost Elise, the pain started when I was at work... just a sharp stabbing pain, I thought nothing of it. I was so naive then. The next morning, I went to get my oldest up... and she passed through right then and there. It was the first time I felt my heart break. Did I mention that with Charlie it was my eldest's first day of school. Forty minutes after dropping him off we were looking at a very dead baby on an ultrasound. It felt like my life was ending. Today on this grey November day their deaths feel fresh, making me want to put the knife deeper in my wrists. I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm just so numb, but i'll keep writing because it's better than letting it fester in my head. I just want to get better.

Today is not a good day. I can't get out of my head. All I keep thinking about is how much resentment and anger I have in my head. I'm angry at the people in my life who are taking care of my kids because I so badly want to be the one there with them. I feel like a broken record, it's all I've written about today... but this is my reality. I'm angry at my husband for loving me, for letting me feel all I need to feel. I'm angry because he isn't angry with me... tell me how much sense that makes. So many people would kill for the support system I have, yet today it pisses me off. I just want it all to go away. I want it to go to someone more deserving. But why can't I be the one deserving of it? I guess to them, I am. I find myself missing the version of myself that I built up in my head. The version that's happy and loving, who puts everyone first with a smile on her face. The one who lives in the moment, for whats right, and never does anything wrong. A woman who lives by the word of God... not whatever I am now. I don't even know where I stand when it comes to God anymore. I don't know if I will ever again. I feel like I have failed not only what God wants from me, but I've failed the version of myself I built up in my head. I just feel like I've failed everyone and everything. But did I really fail? Or is this just another stop on my journey. Maybe I'm exactly where i'm supposed to be in my life. Maybe something good is coming my way. I knew I wasn't safe by myself anymore. The more I think about what landed me in here, the more I thank the rational side of my brain. I would 100% not be here anymore if my rational side didn't push me to go into the hospital. For so long I pushed every bad thought down. I'd make excuses, tell myself it's not that bad. That I don't have the time to feel sad because i'm a mom, and I have to be strong for my kids. They aren't supposed to see me crumble. But I think kids know more then they let on. I remember as a child knowing my mom was hurting, but not knowing how to help her. She just kept everything bottled up inside until she exploded. I don't want that for my kids, I want to be open and honest with them. They deserve a happy and healthy mother, and that's what they are going to get. I owe it to myself to get better, so in return I can be everything they need and more.

It is currently almost 5pm. My mood is much better than what it was when I woke up this morning. But the nighttime scaries are creeping in, and i'm starting to think of all the things i'm missing at home. It's Friday so I know i'm missing movie night. I want to be home snuggling my babies, and eating all the junk food. I miss snuggling my youngest before bed, when it's just me and him. I miss the smell of their heads, and how it feels to kiss their cheeks. I know one day I'll get to do these things again, and that gives me hope tonight. I was so angry at my husband when he came to visit today and I think I finally know the reason why. I think my anger is really jealously. I'm jealous of how he's never had to feel how i'm feeling, he's one of the lucky ones without depression. He just smiles and goes on with his day. He gets to be present in everything he does, gets to feel all the love for our children; while I sit on the side lines just trying to get up. While he breathes easy, i'm still trying to catch my breath. He can smile and love so easily, while i'm wearing a mask. Gluing it back together at every chance I have, while behind it i'm screaming for help... and no one can hear me. Why can't anyone hear me? Why did it need to get to this point for anyone to see I'm nothing more than dust on a book shelf. I've just been gathering dust on this shelf I put myself on. Every bad thought, or traumatic thing that's happened to me. Now people are finally seeing under the dust, they are seeing the broken shell of a person that's underneath. What a profound thought.

Thank you all again for reading, I know day three was a really heavy day for me. So I thank all the people who made it this far. The support this blog has gotten over the last few days has meant so much to me. Sharing these entries has been really healing for me, so again I thank you all for giving me the space to do so.

*Remember if you or anyone else you know is in crisis, help lines and your local emergency departments are there to help. You are not alone, you matter, you deserve to be here